Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You Might Also Like
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.