Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
#winning
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
This dude got his own movie?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.