Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Happy thanksgiving!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.