Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A friend sent me this.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!