I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Straight people are cancelled
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.