me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.