I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.