To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Day 2 of my diet
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My Guy
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip