Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
#Caturday
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.