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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
that colleague who touches your screen
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean