Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
the clam before the storm
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket