sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.