If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
me when i see my girls butt
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.