People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
This could be us… but you playing
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
mmm onion ringos
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back