*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy