Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Incredible customer service.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no