Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale