This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.