Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
#SuperBowl
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’