“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Just grow your own
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.