30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Gemma Correll
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*