Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
![]()
You Might Also Like
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The sacred texts.
![]()
Choose your fighter
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.