When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
🙅🏻
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.