The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”