I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.