If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.