i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder