The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.