I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.