[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced