There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.