i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what