There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Holy crap this is wonderful
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.