“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Good morning, Twitter x
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I was bored.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”