“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.