“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Who says great literature is dead?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets