My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever