My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.