ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit