Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?