Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You Might Also Like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.