I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
And now we wait
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.