Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
You Might Also Like
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Finally, a door that understands me
is this meant to deter me
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.