Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Only a mother’s love …
This fish is cracking me up
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other