this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
i wish i could marry a nap
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct