Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly