Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Cake safety first. Always.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*