One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over š¬š¤
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. Theyāre the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said āit feels like Iām rubbing a pigā, in case anyone wonders why Iām drunk later.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
āI wouldāve gotten away with it, too, if it wasnāt for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!ā
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
After weeks of late night cheese bendersā¦Brenda couldnāt help but wonderā¦where did it all go wrong