Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.