Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.